You Don't Have To Be Superwoman

It's a woman's disease but you don't have to live with it. KATE GOH gives 10 tips for freeing yourself from guilt.

"Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I"ll show you a man," author Erica Kong once wrote. She might have been describing how many women feel, like Angela Tan who rushes her kids to school in the morning before hurrying into her office to gulp down a cup of coffee. By 7pm the kids need their dinner and then she has to go through their homework with them. Even in bed Angela's mind wanders off to her unread office e-mails.

Like Angela, many of us feel we're shortchanging those around us because we want to (but can't seem to) do it all - be successful at work, raise our children well, take care of our parents and keep our men happy.

Are you suffering from "Superwoman Syndrome"? If so it's time to step back from the steady drumbeat of office work, household chores and kids' demands. You can ditch the guilt and learn to handle your multiple roles better.

1. Set Yourself Goals Be Clear about your vision for the next 10 years, or even the next year. It's the most important thing you can do to eliminate guilt, says personal and executive life coach Denise Wright. "Once you know what you're aiming for, your actions will be in line with your vision and that empowers you," adds Denise. This way, your choices aren't surrounded by guilt because you know your decisions are based on the big picture of how you choose to live. Get a "not to do" list to remove time-wasters.


2. List All Your Roles List the various roles you have in your life. Think about the key roles you would like to focus on, one to five years from now. There may be some new roles you would like to add on or take out from your list. Some roles may move higher or lower in priority. When you spend your time in line with your priorities, you will feel more positive about yourself.


3. Look At Your Career Long Term If you need a flexible work arrangement but your company can't provide it, do some research by talking to job consultants to find out which organisations can support both your career and family needs. Understand what your ideal job requires of you and how you can find the right balance. Find out a bit about the culture of companies you may want to work for.


4. Combine Your Interests You need to merge the "big pieces" in your life to maximise your time. This might mean learning something new with your partner, children or friends or shaping your career in line with interests you're passionate about. This way you can combine family or office time with pursuing your hobbies and you won't feel you're shortchanging anyone. Mabel Cheng, a mother of one, shares this tip: "Don't overbook the kids' schedule with tuition or classes. Set aside time alone with them." Don't feel bad about not being able to do everything. No one can or should do it all.


5. Learn To Delegate Partnerships are important so get your spouse to take on some of the load. Also, train your children to do as much as they can. Teach them to dress themselves and gradually assign them housework as they grow older so the workload is shared by the whole family and you all work as a team. It's not alwasy easy but if you're feeling overwhelmed in the office, try asking for help and delegate where you can.


6. Buy All The Help You Can Get cleaners, babysitters or tutors for your kids. This way, you can play with your kids while the housework is being done. Christina Lim, a project manager in her 30s, says her maid who's been with her family for 10 years, lets her go on business trips knowing her kids are well taken care of.


7. Make "Me Time" It's a necessity, not a luxury. Schedule some personal time for yourself daily. Tell your family that the first 20 minutes when you're home belong to you and you'd like some time alone. Use the time to change into more comfortable clothes, do some stretching and listen to your favourite music. Enjoy moments alone before you begin your second full-time job.


8. Meet Your Friends Spend time developing your relationships, not only with your spouse but also your friends, because they're the ones who provide you with support during tough times. "Sharing our needs and struggles helps me to release stress," says Geri Lim who enjoys monthly gatherings with her church group while her mother-in-law helps to take care of her baby daughter. Just being able to share in others' lives grounds you and keeps you in touch with the world around you.


9. Bless The Mess Instead of keeping your home spick-and-span, once in a while just bless the mess and take care of yourself instead. Prioritise and focus on the important tasks rather than being sidetracked by the trivial. and don't over commit yourself. Scheduling your business and personal activities on the same calendar will stop you overbooking. Don't be on call 24 hours unless your job definitely requires it. Life is like running a marathon and not a short sprint, so pace yourself well.


10. Get Real! Accept the fact that you can't do everything. Chuck the guilt because it is a waste of your energy. There will always be a never-ending list of tasks to do at work and at home, and it's impossible to satisfy them all. Whenever you feel guilt creeping up on you, focus on what you've achieved, not what you need to do. Fortuna Tan who has two grown-up children sums it up perfectly: "Take a step at a time. Not everything is achievable at the same time."

Extracted from Simply Her / September 2005